My mother was gone. Europe. It was a big continent and I wasn’t sure exactly where she had landed, and I didn’t care. Because it didn’t matter. What mattered was that there was an entire ocean between us at last. And what mattered even more was that she’d probably never cross it again. Sometimes I said those words out loud, just so I could hear them. Never. Cross it. Again.

   Dave and Kim had taken my dad to her family’s house for the holiday weekend, and I was thankful for that, too. It’s not that I didn’t want to be with my dad; in fact I actually missed him. But space was a good thing, too, at least until everything settled down. Until lawyers had spoken and papers were signed and a judge’s gavel ended things once and for all.

   And most of all: I was thankful that Rachel was safe.

   She came with us to the Burke’s for the holiday meal. We all ate ourselves sick then watched football. Two teams we didn’t care about, but there’s no messing with Thanksgiving Tradition. Then we ate some more. Cassidy ate so much that her stomach hurt, so Laura gave her some Pepto Bismol and made her lie down in the living room with a movie while we played Penny Poker in the dining room. Just like the Pilgrims did.

   Rachel was in a bubbly mood which seemed odd to me considering what tomorrow was going to bring. But everyone has their own ways of dealing with life and stress and it was better than being stuck with bitchy, mopey Rachel. She rambled on and on about everything and nothing, to the point where even Brian had a hard time getting a word in. Finally she stumbled across a subject that was of interest to all of us.

   “Hey, did you hear Zeke’s got a boyfriend?”

   I studied my cards very carefully. As usual they sucked. Almost as much as my poker face. Rachel laughed.

   “Oh. So you know, Tess.”

   I shrugged. “Not really.”

   And I didn’t. Not really. I only knew that there were finally more than seven cups and spoons and bowls in the sink every Friday. An extra toothbrush and razor. And the mess at his house wasn’t a lonely mess anymore.

   Jeff said, “It’s about time.”

   I threw in my hand. “What’s he like?”

   “He’s blonde and buff and...he’s fucking hot is what he is. His name is Dean…Something. Zeke doesn’t talk a whole lot about him, but I think it must be going pretty good.”

   “What makes you think that?” Brian asked.

   “Well, he hasn’t been cranky in awhile so I figure he’s getting laid pretty regular.”

   That got big laughs all around. Except from Brian. Rachel noticed.

   “Hey Brian...do you have a problem with gay people getting laid?”

   “Don’t be stupid, Rach. Of course not.”

   “Because it looks to me like you have a problem with it.”

   “Well, I don’t.”

   Jeff scooped in the pile of pennies, victorious yet again. “I think he’s got a problem with his little sister talking so cheerfully about people getting laid.” He was kind and didn’t add what we were all thinking: Especially not when she’s knocked up.

   Cassidy picked that moment to wander in. She took a seat beside her mother and we all turned to her eagerly, determined to hang on her every word. She rubbed her still aching tummy and said, “Mommy, I think God is punishing me for being a glutton.”

   “God doesn’t do that, honey. Your stomach is just teaching you a lesson.”

   She knew that, she said, because it’s just what Sister Charlotte had told her. God doesn’t punish us; He lets us suffer the consequences of what we’ve done. But she still had to remember her gluttony because she was due for her First Communion in the spring which meant, of course, making her First Confession. She was keeping a list of all her sins so she’d be ready. Rachel muttered something about brainwashing and pagan rituals and I gave her a kick underneath the table. She kicked me back, hard, then said:

   “Hey Tess. Aren’t you Catholic? How come you don’t go to Confession.” She gave me a big, shit-eating grin and added, “I bet you’ve got a big, fat list of old sins just piling up. Don’tcha?”

   I sighed, because I knew where this was headed. “I’m not a practicing Catholic, Rachel. That’s why I don’t go.”

   It was Cassidy’s turn. “You should go to Confession, Tess. If you do then we can take Communion together.”

   I tossed a handful of pennies into the pot. I had a full house, my first one ever. “I don’t think so, hon. It’s just not my thing.”

   “But--”

   “Cassidy,” Jeff warned. “Drop it.”

   She did, but she folded her arms moodily.

   “Come on, don’t give me the pouty face.”

   She stuck her lip out even further.

   Brian, safely ensconced in his atheism, nudged my elbow with his and asked, “What’s the problem, Tess? Just go and tell the priest all your sins and you’re good to go, right? Then you can splash holy water on your face and go eat the bread with her.”

   Rachel laughed. “You’d better give him the Readers Digest version, or you won’t be done in time to watch the kiddies march down the aisle.”

   Cassidy and I furrowed our brows at them.

   Laura called. I lay down my cards in a big, beautiful fan and gave Jeff a huge smile. It faded quickly enough. “A four of a kind? Jesus Christ! Don’t you ever lose?”

   “There you go,” Rachel said. “Taking the Lord’s name in vain.”

   “Dammit, Rach, would you just drop it?”

   She seemed surprised by my irritation. “Shit, Tess, don’t get all bitchy at me. What’s the big deal, anyway?”

   All five sets of eyes turned to focus on me. I tossed my useless full house over to Laura, watched as she added it into the stack of cards, and waited until she was finished shuffling before I answered, “Because it would be hypocritical to go now, at this stage of my life.” I hoped hypocritical wasn’t in Cassidy’s vocabulary. “I’m not gonna start up with all that again. I haven’t even been to church since...shit, I can’t remember the last time I went to church.”

   Brian cleared his throat, then ventured, “What about...”

   I waited for him to continue, but he looked away. “What about what?”

   The eyes that had been staring at me turned towards him. He sighed and finished his question. “What about when you got married?”

   “I didn’t get married in the church.”

   “How come?”

   I had the spotlight once again. I looked at my fingernails and flipped through the long list of reasons. I found only one that was appropriate to say in front of Cassidy. “Jason’s not Catholic.”

   “Then…where did you get married?”

   “We rented a hall.”

   “Oh.”

   And then it was back to poker. I took one look at my cards and folded. So did Brian and, for once, Jeff. I couldn’t tell from his expression if he’d actually had a bad hand or if he was tired of everyone giving him a hard time about winning. Rachel’s flush beat Laura’s three of a kind. She scooped up her pennies while Jeff shuffled and dealt. When he was finished Cassidy said:

   “Well that’s something you can confess.”

   I glanced up to see who she was talking to. It was me. “What is?”

   “If you’re Catholic you’re not supposed to marry someone who isn’t.” Laura gave her a warning look, but Cassidy persisted. “Well, you’re not.”

   “Cassidy, I told you already. That’s enough.” Jeff came down hard on each syllable and sealed it with, “That’s your last warning.”

   She looked at me again, and this time her pouty face was real.

   “Cass...please don’t. Okay? Look, in the spring I’ll go to your First Communion and I’ll be really happy, because it’s a good thing you’re doing. It’s a big step and I’ll be very proud of you. But I can’t do it myself. Okay?”

   She sighed deeply and said nothing.

   Two more hands. I lost seventy three cents and Jeff finally lost his patience with Cassidy’s pouting. Bedtime because, You were warned. Laura stood to go upstairs with her.

   “Wait,” I said. “Can I tuck her in?”

   She nodded and sat back down. Cassidy said goodnight to everyone and gave her parents their kisses and hugs. Even Jeff. I followed her up the stairs and waited in the hallway while she changed into her jammies. When she was ready I opened the door to a Little Mermaid room, complete with matching curtains and bedspread. I’d asked for a Wonder Woman bedroom when I was her age, but never got it. I listened to her prayers and tucked the covers over her shoulder. Then I said:

   “Cass I need to tell you something and I think you’re old enough to hear it. I think you’re smart enough.”

   She gave me a big smile. A big girl smile.

   “I’ll go to Confession if you really want me to. But here’s the thing, and it’s something I think you already know. I’d only be going because of you, because you want me to do it. It wouldn’t be real. I’d know it and you’d know it. Even if I wasn’t telling you right now, you’d know it. And God would, too.”

   She nodded.

   “I wouldn’t be doing it so I could show God I’m sorry for...stuff I’ve done, or to get forgiveness for it. I’d be doing it so I could take Communion with you and to make you happy. That’s almost a good enough reason for me to do it and if I thought I could fool you--if I really thought you wouldn’t know that’s the only reason I was going--I’d do it. Because I love you, Cass, and I’d probably do just about anything if it would make you happy. But if I did that, it wouldn’t really make you happy.”

   “Because I’d know.”

   “That’s right. I know you don’t understand all of it, but...I just can’t do it right now. One day I’ll confess my sins to someone, because we all get around to it sooner or later. And when I do it’ll be real. And you’ll know that, too, because you’ll be able to see the difference.”

   And I got another smile. Not a big one, but it was a smile.

   “So, are we okay?”

   “Yes.”

   She fluffed her pillow and snuggled in with her Teddy. I gave her a kiss on the cheek and asked, “Cass, have you ever heard the Parable of the Sower?”

   She nodded. “The Sower plants seeds in your soul.”

  Soul. Heart. It was the same thing.

   “Yep. He plants seeds there so love can grow. And there’s something I wanna tell you about that.”

   And then I took a deep breath. I had to be ready for it.

   Because this is it. One of those moments, Tess. She’ll remember what you say right now for the rest of her life. Your words. It’s not arrogance to think that, just a fact. One of those moments. So don’t screw it up.

   “You have a very beautiful soul, Cass. You’re honest and curious and colorful and...whenever I look at you I can see God’s love. When I see you it reminds me that he’s real. Your soil is just right.”

   I wanted to tell her to never let anyone make her think otherwise. I wanted to tell her to never change, to never let her heart get trampled down and hard. But she’d remember that too. And right now--right now--she didn’t know that there was any other way to be. That her heart, her soul, could ever be anything other than soft and lovely and fertile. And she needed to stay that way as long as she could.

   So I gave her another kiss on the cheek and told her I loved her. And she said she loved me right back. Then I joined the grown ups downstairs. And tried not to think about paths through the field or souls or hearts. Especially hearts. Because that would make me think of what tomorrow would bring.